trimming the fat

As many of you know, I have had quite the tumultuous past five months. I've had trials, tribulations, and I've definitely been tested (ps is that enough "t" words for you? They all seemed to flow together so nicely and sound fancy, which is definitely my style).  Not only have I been tested, but my friendships and relationships have been tested as well.

I've been on a roller coaster with how I handled and felt about these wavering and not so supportive relationships in my life. Initially, I was hurt. I've already told you I used to be a bit of a friend whore. I defined myself by being social and having tons of friends. I was social, and I did have a lot of "friends" (please notice the quotation marks as to indicate their so-called status and lack on genuine compassion and understanding for me). I thought that no matter what happened to me, no matter what I was going to go through in life, and no matter what I did my friends would be there. BUZZZZ: wrong answer. Maybe I am naive for thinking that, but that's the type of friend I am. I want to be there for my friends no matter what, I will never judge them and I'll be there when they go through things that aren't all sunshines, rainbows and drunken summer nights (that's what my friends were there for...they were fun to party with and be around when things were good...but that's the only time). I'm not just there for the highs, I'm fully capable of being a friend during the lows as well.

Getting a divorce changes everything. It changes your address. It changes your name (wooo can't wait for that!). It changes who  you are and what you do. It changes your priorities. Unfortunately, it also changes people's opinion and need for you in their life. After struggling for months with people not being supportive and keeping their distance from me - as if I had some type of terminal, disgusting, and highly contagious disease that no one wanted to be associated with - I realized it was time to trim the fat.

Isn't that such a disgusting saying? You trim the fat off of a really yummy piece of meat. I have this image in my head of sitting at a restaurant and pushing the gross fat off to the corner of my plate because I don't want to accidentally put it in my mouth and be forced to chew and come to the realization that: EW that is not steak that is fat...whoa that was a long sentence - anyways moving on. I had a lot of fat in my life. A lot of people that I didn't have pushed off to the corner of my plate far enough and they left a bad, unwanted taste in my mouth. I reached out for them on multiple occasions only to be rudely turned away or judged. I made excuses for them. I thought 'ok they have never been through something like this, they don't know the protocol on how to act and what to say.' Well that's just dandy that there I was going through this really awkward, horrible situation and I was making excuses for people who were being complete shady un-friends (I thought about putting a curse word in here but restrained myself... maybe next time). These people were supposed to be my best friends and they were anything but. They judged me. I already judged myself and didn't need the people I trusted and leaned on to do the same. They didn't act like friends.

It is hard to go through some of the things I've dealt with, but not impossible. I don't feel sorry for myself, and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I've made all my own decisions and I'm living with them (and might I add I'm happy with all of them). Sometimes it seems like the absolute worst in the world, but it isn't. It's just a bump in the road. There are people out there that have it much worse and it could be worse for me, too. I'm well aware of all of this and I'm not throwing myself a pity party. I would venture out to say that losing friends was probably the most difficult part of all of my last few months. It is a bittersweet feeling. On one hand I am sad to have invested so much of myself and my time into these people I truly considered to be members of my life long family. It's never easy to close a chapter in your life, especially when the chapter ends on a negative note. Losing friends is hard, but losing "friends" with quotations around their titles is essential and a very refreshing feeling when it's all done.  

I'm at a very happy place in my life. I like knowing that the people in my phone book truly are friends (I trimmed the "friends'" numbers by pressing the good 'ol delete contact button). It is nice to know that the people - although fewer than before - I surround myself with care about me and care about my happiness. They aren't shady. They are happy for me when things are going good, and when things aren't going good they listen, give advice, understand, love and never judge. They don't always agree with my decisions or paths I've taken, but their job isn't to agree. Their job is to be a friend.Trimming the fat has let me focus on the relationships that matter most and mean something to me. I'd rather have a really amazing small circle than a big circle filled with shady losers...okay they aren't really losers per se, that was mean...shady.... shady...wait for it..... .hmmm.... okay I got nothing. I can't think of anything very nice to say :)

I'm not in any position to ever give anyone any advice on anything. I would, however, urge you to evaluate the relationships in your life. If there is fat in your life, trim it. Then you can focus and devote your friendship to friends that deserve it. Only surround yourself with good, genuine people that won't turn their back on you when you reach out or do something shady and mean (that sentence sounded good at first, but I just had to add the "shady and mean" part...for emphasis). It's better to trim the fat before you get hurt and come to a realization like I did that the people you thought were your friends are not. Maybe you aren't at a low point right now, but chances are you might have one. When you do, it will be reassuring to know your friends are there for you and they don't have quotations around their title.